The Emotional Orphan

There’s a clock that ticks loudly in my head,

striking in me fear and dread.

Not of the biological type,a more psychological kind.

More like an alarm clock poised to go off.

When my body gets adjusted to some daily routine,

there’s a period of expectation prior to the clock jarring me into the day.

A few minutes where I struggle with the idea of

turning off the alarm to avoid that impending reality.

A moment in time where,

I could throw responsibility to the wind,

or take the chance I could wake up on my own.

Even in my half sleep-depending on how you spin it-

I’m either too responsible,or too scared to do so.

I often feel this half sleep state is where I live.

This tick, tick, tick reminds me how much time I’ve wasted,

how many times I should have been dead already,

how little time I have left.

I very much value the sanctity of life.

I am much more grateful than it may appear.

The strong of sense of urgency is for me to DO something to move forward,

The reason why I should, the proverbial sense of purpose escapes me.

My “hope” supply stays near empty sometimes, and

I often find myself paralyzed and without a clue.

It seems I have gone from perpetual adolescence

to mid-life crisis in the blink of an eye.

When I can summon them, my sense of urgency, enthusiasm,

and zeal for life are very hard to differentiate from panic.

No matter how I try, the panic, and subsequent drama won’t leave me.

And the ticking gets louder and louder.