The Emotional Orphan

That threadbare old vision has returned.

The one that has me walking alone- on a mission, a visionquest, a spiritual journey seeking God although I know right where He really is.That’s Life.

Ive tried it alone, with a partner, with a lover, with a friend. With many. God has played all of these roles too.

I have tried–fought alone, spoke up for myself, done the right thing, the questionable, the wrong, – and it all has seemed at one time or another unthinkable.

I have given in but never given up. Felt hopeless, and hopeful, but always held on to Hope. As evidenced by the fact I am still breathing–sort of, and upright although leaning, always a bit off balance.

I sought and had allies, screamed at the top of my lungs, and prayed someone would speak up on my behalf.

Yet it has been silent, except for the din of the voice that reminds me how much potential I have. How and why it could be, how it could have been all so different, The hum that says it would have been , –if only. Like the buzz of a fly in my head- mixed with the varying volume of the clock that keeps time and keeps score.

I can’t seem to hear the voice of God that speaks so loudly, and with great enunciation- that so many I have known, hear daily.

So non comittal, I should, and have, been comitted.

And I walk,too tired to run, although running is what I am really doing. And what I do best.