The Emotional Orphan

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I walk a thin line between the spiritual and the self destructive.

I’m not ungrateful.

I understand that things may not go the way I want them to
I try to maintain an attitude of thankfulness by, at the very least – doing no harm.

Yes, I sin but it’s not as willfully as it used to be, and generally hurts no one.
There is really no one left close enough to hurt too badly.

I can’t decipher if all I ever loved ran away, was driven away,
or if it ever happened at all.

I sometimes wonder if I’m engaging in catharsis, wallowing in self pity,
or simply telling stories as I free flow these words for the world to read.

My hope is that one day they might hold some hidden,
valuable meaning to someone, and that it will be timely.

My ego driven delusion is that the world cares enough to even read them.

I have been accused of being an “evangelist” of sorts.
I am prone to over-zealousness, and extreme long windedness
when honed in on a topic of some particular import to me,
or one which I may have some knowledge about.

The risk there is that I may ramble past the point of value,
or miss the all important things someone else may be able to contribute.
Even worse, I may fail to actually listen to,
or hear what those I care about have to say.

In better times, I have been guilty of disconnecting with people,
God, and positive experiences in this way.

The need to be accepted and loved, and a desire for validation from others
to compensate for well entrenched low self esteem still super-cede
the gratitude I should have for being alive.

I still need you to pat me on the back because I am not sure I deserve it.
I feel guilty for taking any credit when God did the work to effect the change.
I was just a little willing– after being beaten into submission.

Extra recognition shoudn’t be expected for meeting minimal requirements.

I’ve struggled incessantly with the vision of some universal karmic scale
of justice which collects the aggregate of wrongs done and weighs them against my good deeds.

When that scale balances, I will suddenly qualify to receive debt free blessings
like a wife, kids, and the simple means to provide for them.
Then and only then  will I be worthy of having someone to believe in me,
love me unconditionally, or of having a glimmer of my purpose here on earth.

It is not a completely insane or unique notion.

I’m almost sure it actually sounds quite rational and laced with humanity.

When I say it out loud.

Paralyzing nonetheless.

This palsied notion leads me to a place where the overwhelming feeling is, why bother?
Why even try if the outcome always is one of heartbreak, of loss, of no payoff .
I wrestle with what that payoff would be for me anyway.

I see others who have chosen the same path have the gift of love come into their lives.

I see them prosper. I see their children being born.

I have witnessed chaos, drama, and pain leave them.

While I celebrate these things with, and for them,
I am reassured that the payoff of family and stability I desire isn’t so much to ask for.
I do not see them struggle as much as I have, at least when measured by my scale.

I am certain they don’t work any harder. Even worse, I see those with much less noble intentions,
half hearted desire to move towards the spiritual, and even blatantly selfish motives prosper at reaching
the goals I long for so desperately.

Why then, is the only question, and it seems unanswerable.

Asking can be the barrier to attainment.
Knowing the answer could be liberating, or it could be poison for all I know.
My suspicion is that it would only lead to the next “why”.

This is where the thin line is.

This is where freedom of choice, the two edged sword of humanity,
differentiating us from all Gods’ creatures becomes so prolific.

The choice between giving up or caving in, and continuing onward
in search of the elusive higher purpose is revealed.
It can be overwhelming at these times.

Temptations are more prevalent and appealing,
and the option to give in to self pity and depression seems viable.

Fortunately, I have lived long enough and survived a world based on lies and my own self deception,
blessed to see and recognize the Truth about what will not work.
On most days, I seem to be able to access the power necessary to not only discern,
but to also stay on the side of the “right”.

It’s those times that aren’t so clear cut, or when the world catches me unaware
or unprepared which cause all the confusion. I am left with the same old “whys” or some
unwillingness to accept some person without judgement or resentment, or some situation
as being the way it is.

Just because.

I’d almost rather skip the lesson in it for me and try to “figure it all out”,
or dissect anothers’ motives for acting the way that offends/affects me.

There is good news though.

Retaliation, revenge, resentment, and rancor were once my defenses against this enemy,
and now they really aren’t options. Considerations, but not options.
It’s not easy to curl up in a ball of apathy and resign myself to self pity or self destruction.

That is extreme progress.

The fine line between the spiritual and the self destructive is in that progress.

I seem to only want it to be black or white.
I don’t want to see the gray, and I don’t want to accept that all progress,
or the lack thereof, should be an opportunity for spiritual growth.

And it is. Or not.