The Emotional Orphan

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FILIA – [Latin] daughter; female off-spring

My Darling Filia;

You should have been the love of my life, besides God with your mother, and have a very special place in my life. You were to be the culmination of all the good, of all the growth, of all the blessings that only perseverance in God can bring. He is much wiser than I, or you would be here.

The influence you have had on my life “regardless” has been astounding. You have acted as a motivator, supporter, friend, and reflection of all that is good in your mother and I. You have been my hope. All this without even crossing over from my vision into what is real. I cannot imagine what our relationship will be from here to eternity.

I have let you down much, much earlier in the game than all the other women in my life. Whether it is a curse or a blessing to you that I failed so early remains to be seen. I wish it wasn’t too late. Rest assured in the knowledge it is my fault, my creation, and undoing that has brought us to this point. I wish I could be forgiven, and it would all realign itself with Gods preference but it seems too late. Self will, fear, and shame may have driven the wedge too deep. I take comfort in the hope the Gods offer here. All hope aside, I don’t make the rules, or write any outcomes. Not good ones anyway. I cannot tell you how sorry I am we may never meet.

Know your father was good at one thing and then decide how you’d like to feel about it. I have become adept at ripping all hope from those who love me. When they reach into their soul and actually believe in me I can readily call their fear to the surface and create so much doubt that they run screaming from the building or retreat into oblivion as if we’d never happened. How does he do it?- the crowd will call, but no one, not even I know. Tired of waiting, tired of disappointment, and of let downs, or simply tired- they go. I am so sorry that I cannot do my part to get and keep you a mother. I have driven them away. Somewhere along the way I became the “one with so much potential”, and nothing more. So far… but I’m still here, being molded by everything in life except understanding. That too will come.

I wish you could be here to see it. The happily ever after part, the sickness, and in health part, the richer-poorer, til death do us part – part. The miracle that can come from living a true covenant part. I suppose I really wish you were here to inspire it. Your mother, simply can’t find the energy or desire to try anymore. It is my fault. I drained her way too fast, and my failures consorted too well with her fears. I guess that if you were here, there would be more to discuss. A reason to let the words take their effect. I loved so much, and I am dying without her, and the promise of you at the beach. If I only had paved the way, and protected what should have been yours. The loving, caring home we all long for. A world that appreciates and never takes for granted your presence and participation. The you, you were destined to be is the combination of all the potential your mother and I could never attain, and the lessons we’ve learned in the trying and survival. A godly home where we all know the difference and the truth. I am so sorry, and can only pray the words mean more to you than they do to me right now.