The Emotional Orphan

Today- a drive around the suburbs.
Me, amazed at how much things had changed,
how much things were the same.
The only constant, memories
and their associated regrets.

The journey was to go to a place
where I expected to see familiar faces.
A place of healing, camaraderie, support.
I had been told I would always be welcomed
- loved – could always find a friend.
Doors locked-no lights shone brightly,
noone-noone at all was there.

I don’t take this personally,
its all so—deja vu.
I am continually perplexed
by this phenomena.
Always finding those I care about
have disappeared—vanished.

Sometimes I can point to the catalyst,
or apply reasoning-or blame.
I’ve become adept at
accepting my own responsibility.
I have not yet mastered the art
of being a friend, a lover, a husband,
a keeper of possessions, or a Saint,
but why people in my life find it so easy
to burn my bridge eludes me.

My follow through sometimes is lacking.
These days its not for lack of effort or desire.
For the most part, my motives are pure.
I never willingly, or knowingly
harm anyone these days.

Being blatantly selfish hurts me now.
My mild, blind, selfish nature
wields disappointment like a sword.
Am I meant to be a troubled,
disconnected, anti social loner?
A reasonable expectation
according to the textbook defenses
I “should” be relying on…considering.

I have worked too hard to escape those outcomes.
Slayed dragons, and wrestled demons,
let skeletons escape their comfortable closets,
and changed a plethora of behaviors.

Yet here I am getting the same results
no matter my efforts, and successes.
It is progress to not have to find
all I own in big garbage bags on the street-
copiously placed there by someone I love,
to not have the Police involved
to evict me from their lives.

I suppose I may never know the answer,
since the doors are locked,-no lights shine brightly,
and noone-noone at all, is there.