I have done you no favors by ignoring the signs.
My knotted gut screams over your torment,
I am paralyzed by my fear and reliance on the unanswered prayers
that my example, that my answers will soon lead
to light at the end of your dark tunnel.
The tunnel of my escape.
The sewer pipe out of prison.
The way to the sunlight;
infinite love — life finite.
I am too weak to tell you I know,
Too frightened I’ll drive you away.
Ive seen nibbled blue evidence of self preservation.
Delusion disguised as disciplined control.
I know what it means to be sick from too much or too little.
Felt itchy inability to rest, to only dream.
Restlessness fueled by want and need.
Legs twitch long into the night while the knots grow in the gut.
Cramps crawl tendon ladders in the legs. Sick.
It is all so carefully wrapped up in fallout from a job that is too hard,
A compromise that is AT LEAST SOMETHING…
But doesn’t require risk and serves as a great public explanation.
I’ve lived through and created, the crisis du-jour
My eyes see the lost weight or weak immunity due to trauma.
Change is so much harder than living with a gun leveled at your head,
………..Or the sound of a time-bomb ticking.
You do not admit you are not alone, because you are used to being alone,
and for now, the secrets need you to stay that way.
You mean it when you tell me you love me,
But I do not truly exist.
You can’t let me, afraid that I might actually do as I say,
Or ashamed that you want and need me to.
Neither option fits the projected image to believe the lie…
That all is well.
But in my denial I am failing you.
And I cry it must be that way…until…
A heaven on earth may not be what you want,
Because you never had it when you cried for it.
I am there waiting and renewed for paradise.
I am closer now to fully understanding what it means
To watch true love slip away.
Apathy, hopelessness, and paralysis.
I am doing it right now…Perhaps,
I haven’t learned as much as I thought.
I just switched drugs and delusions.
image from Requiem for a Dream (2000)