Bleeding Out – Chapter I

Luna_Peeks_Through_A_Technicolor_Fog -- Bleeding Out - Chapter I

Constantly asking
what is my purpose,
why I didn’t die
has made me who I am.

Then you.

Theoretically proficient ,
in practice beautifully flawed
I only wanted to know more
about how to love you.

The reason.
The mission.
I have been waiting
to be called to.

No secrets or lies
in the passion spoken
from our hearts,
while looking
into each others eyes.

Conquering my impatience,
I did everything you asked,
more than you knew
more than you knew you wanted.

You cannot imagine
how difficult it can be
to let your loved one race
headlong into a trap,
you’ve already escaped.

One set only by fear
designed to hold them in

But they must.

If only you knew…

The things you
came to me longing for,
the things that go away
with time for most
were no issue for us.

Until …

your fear walls got too high.
Sin is to allow
the wreckage of our past
block us from the
beautiful future of love
Some God laid at our feet.

You know timing is everything
and the one thing
we cannot control.

So we try
with notebooks,
memories and ghosts

to stay reminded,
and to avoid creating
new memories.

We can’t even handle
the ones we have.

Opportunity presented
needs to be seized.

The brass ring
passed us once.

Most never get
a second chance
to do it right.

The work ahead
to maintain that gift
is minimal.

Just love.

No fight,
just maintenance
in the form of
loving each other

We…brought together
twice by fate,
abundant evidence
for doubters like us
that the lies
we tell ourselves are…

Lies like
“the timing isn’t right”,
“I need to focus on me.”
or “I’m just not ready”

Textbook safety blankets hiding fear.
Psychological wrapping paper
to hide a lack of faith,
in ourselves,
in the world,
in Love.
the universe disagrees,
because here we are.

The greatest rewards
come from not pursuing
what we think we want or need,
but from doing what is unfamiliar,
difficult, or what we think
we are not ready for.

Believe me.
I’ve tested this theory.

As ultimately selfish human beings
we spend so much time trying to
fill holes in our lives by “getting.”

It’s never enough.

We become insane enough
to not see the love and happiness
in front of us is about “giving.”

The love we crave requires sacrifice
and the rewards infinitely greater
than we can see in our insanity.

It’s about satiety
sanity enough
to differentiate
the true from the false

its about the insanity enough
to roll the dice, take a chance,
leap based on faith
accepting the universe’s timing,
by not trying to change it.

Why does our baggage
make all things beautiful
into something so beautifully sad?

We do not need baggage
if comfortable where we are.

It is baggage that weighs me down
like lies to keep me from seeing truth.
To jettison it takes willingness, work, and faith
and I’m doubting and lazy…
because I am a slave to the baggage.

Show me a world where
and prosperity
are guaranteed.

One with Love guaranteed

Unlike the others,
love is a divine gift.
Love heals,
and can only be
nurtured, or quieted,
killed but not created.



nihil obstat-nothing obstructs

nihil obstat-nothing obstructs, Do Not Enter
( in Latin, nothing obstructs)
by definition,an open book 

signed off



officially censored

by a facsimile god


no mistakes

morally sound


no opposition

I am judged


( in Latin, nothing obstructs)




nihil ob·stat (ne’hil o^b’stät)


1. R.C.Ch. a printed phrase, followed by the name of an officially appointed censor, indicating that the publication carrying the phrase has been examined and judged free of doctrinal or moral error

2. any official indication of nonopposition

Etymology: L, nothing obstructs

Drainage Tubes

Drainage Tubes

Drainage Tubes
Face your wounds and know them – intimately.

Be brave about the incision – it will shrink over time.
But not the scars.

Once the air bladder 
held more fluid than a wine cask,
But you are bigger, and draining it was futile.

Removing it is more dangerous than heart surgery.
The good news is you started with two.
Breathe deep.

He said, “the bones we broke healing you, 
may cause atrophy-or apathy. 
So breathe deep. While you still can.”

“I will be removing the 
drainage tubes on Thursday,
You will not like me very much.”

we do have drugs for that,
Yet you will never forget I was here.”



An Accounting

Poetry: An Accounting

An Accounting
He is afraid of accounting.

He does not like math and lists
The elderly woman, a mother 
sits in the lazy boy like a judge 
beside the witness stand 
with the scepter called a gavel.

On her lap is a calculator
and she peers through her readers
at the notebook with two columns.
The columns have grown all his life.
Push button, make note, sum total.
He waits for an accounting.

It comes, left column. 
In pencil, numbers and notes
recall every loan, meal or bus ticket 
home for safety and warmth. 
She sacrificed much and remembers. 
It’s on the list.

Then, the right column
with wrongs, lies, bad decisions,
late curfews, mistakes made, 
and pain caused.
The “I told you so’s 
but you don’t listen.”

She forgets she started the list
by giving up, not believing, 
judging as if he were 
the lying bastard absent father.
A first born son is always 
not a blessing but a curse – on the list

Heartache he’s caused her
allows her a predicted death 
from a broken heart.
He is afraid of accounting
afraid of being accountable.
He does not like math and lists.